News about the Mets read like Onion Headlines

Seriously, if I were to write a parody about the Mets misfortunes how could I POSSIBLY come up with two more insane headlines than:

"METS STILL OWE BOBBY BONILLA $30 MILLION!"

or

"DAVID WRIGHT DIDN'T REALIZE HE HAD A BROKEN BACK!"

Man oh man.

Better start trading the veterans away now... if for no other reason than for mercy.