Thursday, May 05, 2011

Discussing the baseball schedule with my wife over toast












(Sully and his wife are sitting at their table for breakfast. Sully’s wife is eating a piece of toast.)

SULLY’S WIFE:
How late did you stay up watching that game last night?

SULLY:
11:45. Remember it was 2:45 AM in Boston and raining when the game ended. And they are playing another game in just a few hours!

SULLY’S WIFE:
What do you mean they are playing another game? With who?

SULLY:
With the Angels.

SULLY’S WIFE:
I thought they just played the Angels.

SULLY:
They play 3 game series.

SULLY’S WIFE:
How is it in basketball?

SULLY:
Basketball you play one game. Then there’s usually an off day and they play another team.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Why can’t baseball do that?

SULLY:
But in baseball, sometimes they play 6 games a week. The travel costs alone would be prohibitive.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Why can’t they have a travel day in baseball?

SULLY:
They play 162 games! They’d have to start the season in January. That’s the schedule!

SULLY’S WIFE:
What do you mean? That doesn’t have to be the schedule. The other sports seem to get along just fine. And by the way, when I am done eating this piece of toast, I am done having this conversation.

SULLY:
I think the physical toll of a basketball game or hockey game is much greater. I mean in a football game, you can risk your career every play.

SULLY’S WIFE:
So basically you are saying baseball is such a lazy sport that they can play more games because they are out of shape idiots.

SULLY:
No. It’s not that they are out of shape idiots. Baseball is more cerebral.

SULLY’S WIFE:
What is this, chess? What do chess players do? How many travel days do THEY need?

SULLY:
You’re not being fair.

SULLY’S WIFE:
What about spelling bees? Do they need an extra travel day?

SULLY:
A pitcher can’t throw every day. His arm will snap off.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Doesn’t he only throw a few rounds before the next guy comes in?

SULLY:
Innings.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Whatever.

SULLY:
Ideally your starting pitcher will go 7 or 8 innings.

SULLY’S WIFE:
They should do it evenly. 3-3-3.

SULLY:
I’ve actually thought that’s what they should do.

SULLY’S WIFE:
See? I don’t even know what I am talking about and already I have a good idea.

SULLY:
I know everything about baseball and you’ve thought of it and you know…

SULLY’S WIFE:
Nothing.

SULLY:
Very little.

SULLY’S WIFE:
I know as little as I possibly can by choice.

SULLY:
Yet we’ve both thought of the same thing and that is if you have a bunch of pitchers who can only go 2 or 3 innings before they need help, why not have one pitcher throw the first 3, the next one throw the next 3 and a third one throw the last 3? You’d have to have like 40 pitchers on the roster. You are only allowed 25 players all together on your roster.

SULLY’S WIFE:
The more the merrier.

SULLY:
Back on topic.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Here’s my thing. The less I actually pay attention to what you are saying, the better I do.

SULLY:
That seems to be the case in life. You’re only half listening to me.

SULLY’S WIFE:
When I pay attention, things fall apart,

(Another bite of toast.)

SULLY’S WIFE:
How many games do they play in football?

SULLY:
It’s once a week. They play 16 games.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Perfect! That’s what baseball should do.

SULLY:
If they only play 16 games, it would be better for you because instead of me watching a baseball game a night, then I would only be watching it one night.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Right.

SULLY:
What you are not taking into account is this. If I am only watching one game, then I would be more intense. And that day of playing tends to be Sunday when we try to do things as a family. And all that week I’d be building up for the one game

SULLY’S WIFE:
But there would be less for you to talk about.

SULLY:
You have no idea how much people yap about that one football game a week. In baseball it is BOOM! Here’s a game. BOOM! Here’s another game. But in football, the talk on Monday is “Can’t wait for the Miami game.” Tuesday is “Get ready for the Miami game” and by Wednesday I’m thinking “Enough! Just play the Miami game!” but it is still 4 days away.

SULLY’S WIFE:
But it could be like The Good Wife. I look forward to watching it every week. But if it was on every night, it would be The Boring Wife. It’s perfect. Once a week on the DVR. And YOU can DVR the games. You don’t even have to watch the game live.

SULLY:
But if I am watching the game on DVR I’m missing the next game.

SULLY’S WIFE:
What next game?

SULLY:
The other game.

SULLY’S WIFE:
There’s another game?

SULLY:
The game that’s going on while I’m watching the game from the night before!

SULLY’S WIFE:
You only need to play one game a week!

SULLY:
Then you’d only need one pitcher.

SULLY’S WIFE:
Didn’t we establish you needed 3 pitchers now?

SULLY:
But if you are playing one game a week, you can just throw your best
pitcher out for every game.

SULLY’S WIFE:
So you are agreeing with me now.

SULLY:
Wait-

SULLY’S WIFE:
You see, I’ve turned the tables. By the end of this toast, you will be on my side

SULLY:
The great thing about the baseball-

SULLY’S WIFE:
I’m nibbling. I only have a few bites left.

SULLY:
In baseball you lose one game, the very next day you have another shot to win.

SULLY’S WIFE:
That cheapens it! That cheapens the whole thing. That’s what I am saying. I don’t need Juliana Marguiles on Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I just need her Tuesday. Just try it. And if doesn’t work then we go back to your way. And we’re done.

(She eats the last bite.)


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2 comments:

  1. Beautiful. I think I've had almost the same conversation...sans toast.

    ReplyDelete
  2. lol nice conversation.

    ReplyDelete