Should Oliver Perez be making demands?

According to the New York Times, Oliver Perez is telling the Mets he doesn't want to be a reliever.

I think the Mets agree. They don't want him to be a reliever... or a starter... or throw anything resembling a pitch in a game.

But if Perez could make demands to the Mets, I suppose the Mets could make a few demands back to Perez:

- Win infinitely more games in 2011 than he did in 2010. (His 2010 record was 0-5.)

- Try to get his ERA BELOW 6.80. (Set realistic goals.)

- Maybe use some of the $36 million that he will make since 2009 to scout and find a decent pitcher. (Or even just a lousy one would be an improvement.)

- Just throw batting practice. (Lord knows the opposing hitters all improve THEIR swings when Perez pitches.)

- Start every fifth day... for whatever team the Mets are playing that day. (That's got to be 30 wins right there!)

- Stop talking about how "This is how we did it in Pittsburgh!" after EVERY loss. (The Mets losing tradition is much more nuanced.)

- Try playing second base. (How could Perez's infield play be any worse than his pitching?)

- Stay in the headlines to distract the press from anything else that might be embarrassing about the Mets front office and financial dealings. (Not that there IS anything.)

- Use some of that $36 million to develop the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. (The Mets need to erase the memory of Perez's last few years from their brain.)

- Care. (OK, maybe that is asking too much.)