Dear Owners and General Managers of the thirty Major League Baseball Teams,
It is now one week into February and I have yet to sign with a big league club. The offers haven't exactly been pouring in.Retirement is a real possibility for me
And I have one question for all of you.
Seriously. Nobody will step up and offer me a contract.
First of all I am left handed, I can throw a ball sixty feet six inches and I have a pulse. Shouldn't that qualify me for lifetime employment in baseball?
For Christsake, Shawn Estes got a contract from the Nationals
the other day. Yes... it's the same Shawn Estes who the Giants had back when they played in Candlestick... or 3COM... or whatever the hell they were calling it.
I wasn't even sure Estes was still alive.
Yup, he's alive and evidently can make up to a million tomatoes.
I spit my Frosted Mini Wheats all over my newspaper when I read that.
Oh and virtually every team out there is looking for pitching depth. The Mets signed Kelvim Escobar to guaranteed money.
Over the last two years he's pitched in one more game than Gloria Stuart, the old woman from Titanic
Not to belittle her skills... but she is going to be 100 in June... when Escobar will no doubt be in the disabled list.
Meanwhile I am good for 170 innings almost every year.
OK, fine. I was crap down the stretch last year for the Tigers
. Do you also sucked down the stretch for the Tigers last year? THE TIGERS! I can't be blamed for the while nose dive.
Besides, even with the lousy finish, I posted a 3.78 ERA last year. My ERA was under 3.00 until mid August. If you pitch to a "quality start" each time out (3 runs over 6 innings) you'll have a 4.50 ERA!
Yeah yeah yeah, my one Cy Young caliber season (2002) was a fluke. But are you telling me NO team needs 10 wins, decent ERA and 170-190 innings out of a left handed starter with World Series experience?
Really Texas? You are loaded with talent?
Really Mets? Last I heard you were trying to reactivate Ron Darling.
Really Brewers? You can't bring this native Wisconsin boy home?
Really A's? You bring Ben Sheets aboard even though the odds are 50/50 that his arm will snap off in spring training?
Really Nationals? You don't want any experience pitchers ready to tutor Strasberg?
Really Dodgers? Is the divorce so bad that you can't bring little ole me to fill in the hole left by Randy Wolf?
Really St. Louis? Can you imagine what magic Dave Duncan can pull with me?
Come on Angels! You lost Lackey. Can't you bring me back?
For old time's sake!
So come on. I've got a left arm that can pitch. I can't hang up my spikes yet. I am a commodity.
Don't let me walk away from the game like this.
Thank you for your attention and please send all contract offers to email@example.com
All the best,
You know if Washburn had written this he'd have a lot of valid points. Being a Cardinal fan I'd have taken him over Rich Hill. Of course that depends on the price tag too.ReplyDelete
Very amusing though Sully. Good stuff!
Shawn Estes for Kevin Mitchell? I hope that's a joke, like the voice of Washburn not knowing much about baseball. Shawn Estes was acquired by the Giants from Seattle in 1995 (for Salomon Torres). The Giants traded Mitchell to Seattle in 1991.ReplyDelete
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I confused Billy Swift with Shawn Estes.
I corrected it
Not to pick nits, but Washburn is off in his knowledge of old ladies. Gloria's 100th birthday is the 4th of July. Oddly enough that movie was on TV a couple days ago and I glanced at IMDB while watching it (hey, cut me some slack nothing else was on). I was surprised she was still alive. The character she played was supposed to be 101 14 years ago.ReplyDelete
Regarding Washburn, I'd like to see the Indians pick him up cheap for their rotation.
I'd like to see the Twins or the Brewers pick up Jarrod. I think he should pull his horns in though and not expect a huge contract. His wins as of late, have been hard to come-by and he is not young anymore by ball player standards. If I were him I'd be glad to sign for the minimum. If he could make it in the bullpen, say until 40 he would still have a lot of years to fish and hunt deer. At this time, if he is healthy, I believe he could be of service to some team providing he does'nt want too much money.ReplyDelete