Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A meeting with Fred Wilpon and Omar Minaya

So I guess Fred Wilpon must have called Omar Minaya into his office.

OMAR: You wanted to see me boss?

FRED: Yes, Omar. Thanks for coming in. Close the door.

(Omar gets up to close the door, then pauses. Sensing something ominous, he looks back.)

OMAR: I’d rather not.

FRED: It’s best for both of us if you do.

(Omar stands still… not moving.)


(Former Mets thirdbaseman Todd Zeile walks in. He glares at Omar and then shuts the door.)

OMAR: Was that Todd Zeile? What the f---?

FRED: I keep him around. He needs a job and sometimes, I need some muscle.

(Omar sits down.)

FRED: Let’s review some stuff, OK?

OMAR: Fine.

FRED: This is your 4th season as GM.

OMAR: That’s right.

FRED: And you’ve done some good things… like trade Kris Benson for John Maine.

OMAR: And bringing in Pedro and Beltran! Don’t forget that!

FRED: Um… they came here because I opened up my wallet. And any yahoo calling Mike and the Mad Dog knew that bringing in Pedro and Beltran was a smart move.

OMAR: I traded for Johan Santana! Don’t forget that.

FRED: OK, so besides the Benson trade, your great accomplishment was seeing that Pedro Martinez, Carlos Beltran and Johan Santana might kind of sort of help the squad.

OMAR: I’m a visionary.

FRED: Right. Have you noticed that our team is doing a swan dive for the second September in a row?

OMAR: We’re right in it!

FRED: And last year we all blamed Willie. Well Willie is gone, he’s sliding into second base to great cheers at Yankee Stadium. And we’re saying “Johan Santana and then pray for Hurricane Ike!”

OMAR: I got Johan! He’s MY pick up.

FRED: Meanwhile you traded away Heath Bell and Matt Lindstrom, who we could use in our bullpen. Brian Bannister who we could use in our rotation.

OMAR: Hey, young kids are always a risk.

FRED: Omar, do you see the team is breaking down again?

OMAR: Fluke injuries.

FRED: Isn’t part of your job making sure that the bench is stocked with players who could fill in in case of injuries?

OMAR: I’ve been doing it.

FRED: Robinson Cancel? Andy Phillips? Ramon Martinez? Raul Casanova? Trot Nixon?

OMAR: We need their veteran leadership!

FRED: Have you noticed you have a tendency to sign old players. I mean really old players!

OMAR: Not THAT old!

FRED: You signed Moises Alou to a multi year deal! You had us sign Julio Franco to a 2 year deal when he was in mid 40s! Damion Easley is 106!

OMAR: That’s an exaggeration.

FRED: You put together a team filled with 30 and 40 somethings and are stunned that they crash and burn down the stretch?

OMAR: They are healing in the trainers room.

FRED: Unless there is a f---ing Cocoon at the bottom of the whirlpool, I don’t see this team healing.

OMAR: So what are you saying?

FRED: You’ve had four years. That’s a recruiting class in college. And when people look at our roster, I have to say the sentence “I convinced him to come out of retirement one last time” more often than a Clint Eastwood film festival. It’s over.

OMAR: Over?

FRED: It wasn’t Willie’s fault. We need a new direction.

OMAR: So you are going to fire me?

FRED: Yes.

(Omar cracks his knuckles.)

OMAR: And I assume Mr Zeile will enforce that.

FRED: That’s the case.

OMAR: It would be a shame if the New York press got a hold of certain pictures.

(Fred’s eyes widened.)

FRED: Willie told me he destroyed those.

OMAR: Oh, pictures can be copied. And mailed quickly.

(Omar holds up his iPhone.)

OMAR: And with a click of a button they will be in Mike Lupica’s Outlook Express.

FRED: God DAMN you.

OMAR: No need for that. This can be between you and the petting zoo.

FRED: (Seething) What do you want?

OMAR: An extension.


(Omar holds up the iPhone.)

FRED: Fine… you have an extension.

OMAR: Another four years.

(Fred meekly nods.)

OMAR: Thank you. It was a pleasure doing business with you.

(Omar gets up to leave. He opens the door and Zeile is still standing there.)

OMAR: Get used to me Zeile… I’m sticking around for a while.

(Omar walks down the hall and makes a call on his iPhone.)

OMAR: Isaiah! It’s Omar! I used your job saving technique! Man it works like a charm.

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